60th Birthday

At and around turning 60 years old, I have come to several realizations:

1.  After facing my Mother's death in May, I really don't have time for "the bullshit."  "I have bigger fish to fry," has come to mind on several occasions.

2.  When I ask questions in social or work situations I want an immediate answer.  Of course, this is not always possible.  Patience has become more difficult for me.

3.  I can't drive a car more than an hour at a time:  lower back pain and sciatica in my right leg begins to kick in after that.

4.   I am tired of being a "gardener" for people who view themselves as "flowers."  I don't want or need to put up with "stars" outside of my work environment.   I don't enjoy being around "high maintenance" people.

5.  I hate talking on the telephone.  I would much prefer to write emails.  I have grown to enjoy sporadic use of FaceTime and Skype, due to the conversational type of communication and ability to make eye and face contact with family and friends.

6.  Perhaps it is time to finally write my autobiography, "Queer in Suburbia," or perhaps as a thinly veiled "novel."

7.  I have learned 2 important lessons at my "Bereavement Group:"  everyone grieves and mourns differently.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Also, there are times to "lean into the grief."  It can be good to experience the sadness, rather than to sublimate it or avoid it.

Major Pettigrew's Last Stand

"It surprised him that his grief was sharper than in the past few days. He had forgotten that grief does not decline in a straight line or along a slow curve like a graph in a child's math book. Instead, it was almost as if his body contained a big pile of garden rubbish full both of heavy lumps of dirt and of sharp thorny brush that would stab him when he least expected it."

Shared by a California coworker and friend, from "Major Pettigrew's Last Stand" by Helen Simonson.

More on Death and Dying

Last weekend I went to visit old friends in the Orlando area.  I came away with several gems:

The Death of a close family member causes us to face our own mortality.

Not only did I lose a loved one, I ended my role as care-giver, and with that the constant worry and concern.   I will need to fill my days with other activities.

Using antidepressants at a time like this can numb the pain and prevent me from dealing with the sorrow and grief.  It could return years later if I don't work through it now.   If I am debilitated with long-lasting sorrow, I should consider medication.

This home has always been my mother's, and it is understandable that her presence is missing.

When my memories of my mother change from making me sad to making me happy to remember, I will have crossed a threshold.

No one really understands what I am going through.   Everyone's experience of grief and sorrow is unique.  Very few people are willing to share in that experience.

Being an only child does have the advantage that I was able to fulfill my mother's wishes without having to consult siblings, et al.

A grief group and/or therapy can be helpful.   Hospice provides grief groups, even if your loved one didn't die under their care.

"Firsts" will be difficult:  first holidays without my Mom, etc.

On Death and Dying

My Mother's Obituary:

Elizabeth Baringer Barnes (Betty) was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on February 21, 1921.  Her parents were Ruth Stebbins and Henry Jay Baringer, III.   She is a graduate of Drexel Univeristy.   She was the secretary to the Headmaster at Pine Crest School in Ft. Lauderdale, FL from 1966-1980.   She is survived by her son, James Rolland Barnes and her stepson William J.A. Barnes and his wife Mary Agnes McCarthy. Additionally, she is survived by her grandchildren Elizabeth Mary Valencia, William Daniel Barnes, and Ann Dorothy Cunningham.  She had 5 great grandchildren.

She has one remaining sibling, Carol Acly McCray and one remaining sister-in-law Katherine Moore Baringer.   She spent her young adult years in Massachusetts, where she met her husband and raised her son James.  South Florida became her home in 1966 and she never wanted to leave it again. She survived her husband, William Allen Barnes by 24 years.  She died peacefully on Sunday, May 5, 2013.  She had a small memorial service on May 8, 2013.  She was actively involved in “Turtle Watch” in Highland Beach for many years until she could no longer navigate the sand.  Donations in her memory can be made to Gumbo Limbo Nature Center: http://www.gumbolimbo.org/

My Eulogy to her at her Memorial Service:

Elizabeth Baringer Barnes   May 8, 2013

My mother, Betty Barnes lived a very full and happy life.  I have been reminded these past few days that she was a woman of integrity.  You knew exactly where you stood with her, and yet she was incredibly kind.  Her favorite saying was:  “Every cloud has a silver lining.”  I sometimes teased her about this, but you probably remember her as someone who always found the positive in any situation.  

She was married to my father William Allen Barnes for 37 years and their greatest adventure was covering for missionaries on furlough in 1984-85 on the Ivory Coast, West Africa.  She was the secretary to the headmaster of Pine Crest School from 1966-80.  Because of that, my older niece Betsy and I both graduated from that school.

She was my protector, champion and support during my childhood.  Some of you know how important that was.  When the time came that she could no longer live alone, the logical decision was for me to live with and care for her during her final days.  It was not that difficult a decision to make.   She was able to meet most of her grandchildren in person and through the wonder of technology she was able to see and talk with them via FaceTime.  

I am so pleased that her 3 grandchildren, her only 2 nieces and her sister could be here today to celebrate her life.  Thank you all for coming.

I moved back to South Florida in April 2012 to live with and care for my elderly mother.   She was doing well; she was much more active and eating well.   I made her condo safer and more comfortable.  Early in 2013 I began to have a strong sense that this would be the year that she would die.   She was becoming more frail and her balance was worsening.  She was still committed to getting out and walking the complex using her walker.   She went out for a large lunch with a neighbor on May 3.   Late that night she began displaying flu like symptoms.   By Saturday morning I suggested that we go to the Emergency Room.   I gave her the option of using her walker to get to our lobby where I picked her up.  She had no problem getting down there.  She even entered the ER using her walker.  By that evening she napping a lot, but there was no indication of the rapid change that would occur early Sunday morning.   

She died peacefully:  her heart just gave out as they were catheterizing her.  Her D.N.R. order and Living Will were on file, but they weren't necessary.  

I saw my Mother's doppelganger at Publix yesterday. I stopped in my tracks. I ran into her again in the prepped salads area and told her how much she favored my recently passed mother. She is 90 and lives in Highland Beach.

Queer in Suburbia

I have been thinking about writing my autobiography for some time, but since my work is "feast or famine" I may have the time to actually make this a reality. I had thought about the title "Barbie in Suburbia," but I know Mattel will give me trouble with that. Dolls were a part of my life as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of a doll was the train conductor that was dressed in pin stripe denim bib overalls and matching cap on the dresser in my first bedroom. Not sure why parents in the 50's would have bought dolls for their son: gender roles were very well defined in that era. When I got older, and was trying to fit into a straight world, I justified my interest in dolls being my desire for playmates, since I was alone most of the time in a world with older adults. My half brother didn't come on the scene until I was 8 years old.

Many of the spheres I traveled in were matriarchal. My maternal grandmother lived with us in our big farm house. My aunt and her 3 kids were there often, and lived in an apartment over our garage/stable the entire year that I was in kindergarten. Men were gone most of the time earning the salaries and providing for the families. My Summers were even more matriarchal, but that is a story for another time.

"Kinky Boots"

Just got back from "Kinky Boots" at the Gateway Theater in Ft. Lauderdale. A bit predictable but complete fun. NO lip synching, which was a nice surprise. The soundtrack is great, and I really liked the James Brown song and "Wild is the Wind." A definite feel-good movie with great performances.

And on a more somber note: I return to Corporate America on Monday, May 15th. Yes, I am back to banking: I needed guaranteed work with benefits. I hope to be able to do the theatrical wardrobe work in the Fall on weekends and evenings, when the season resumes here.

Happy Spring!

"Kinky Boots

MySpace, Friendster, and Tribe

I have discovered MySpace over the past few weeks. My site there is http://www.myspace.com/unkljim

I have turned Margeaux on to that concept too:
http://www.myspace.com/margeauxmerlot

She also opened accounts on Tribe: http://people.tribe.net/margeauxmerlot
and Friendster: http://www.friendster.com/profiles/margeauxm

It is a great way to network and find old friends and make many new ones. It is a bit addictive, but now that I have it opened it can evolve quite nicely on its own.

Now it is off to Disney on Ice: "Princess Classics!"